My Bipolar Life

December 31st on the year that I thought was going to be the big year that changed my life.......and you know what?  It did, some for the better and some for the worse but my life has changed A LOT since January 1, 2013. Where to begin?? That I don't even know, quite honestly.  I guess I will begin with the best change of the year.  Dan and I did it.  We went back to school and we are on the Dean's list.  I am very proud of us, this was a long time coming and something that we needed to do for ourselves and our kids.  Dan is studying Golf Enterprise Management and I am studying Criminal Justice.  We also got new jobs and are succeeding at that.  In three years when Dan graduates (and Jamie graduates) we are taking Ella and moving to a warmer climate. On to the rougher things that have happened....................  Well Christeen and I are in a battle for our lives.......literally.  You would think that there was some sort of trophy...

Tonight the angels took someone I love.  My Great-uncle Pete, who I believe most of us called Uncle Peach, passed away; he was 94 years old.  Many will tell me that he lived a nice long life and for that I should be grateful, but quite honestly for now, at least, I just want to be sad.  Sad for myself, sad for my Aunt Ev, his wife, and sad for my extended family who live in Cleveland and will miss him on a more day to day basis. I have many fond memories of him and they all revolve Aunt Ev's famous tuna salad.  You see, I lived in Cleveland for about a year in my late teens.  I worked at the mall just up the road and would often go to their house and eat lunch with them.  It was tuna salad for lunch and  The Young and The Restless (I don't know how we suckered him into that daily.) on th TV.....always.  He and Aunt Ev were just always so happy to see me and were always proud of me, even maybe I didn't deserve anyone having pride in me. ...

I think I jinxed our family by calling 2013 our year so I am changing the name but I will still continue to write about our challenges and successes as we navigate through 2014. Lisa

This t-shirt is about sums me up and it couldn't be more hilarious that my sister, Natalie, bought this for me for Christmas.....BEST GIFT EVER. (And this is the same sister who bought me a $300 purse for my birthday) but hey, I digress.  I guess it is really isn't about material things with me but with smugness and being better than others on a deeper, more intellectual level.  LOL On a more serious note, my Christmas Eve was really, really nice.  I spent time with my family who truly and deeply love me.  I got to know my new brother-in-law a little bit better and that is a gift in and of itself.  I had food to eat and those to share the meal with, some are not so lucky.  I received beautiful gifts but it was more than that, it was the fact that people put serious thought into what I might like and got it for me.  Luxury items that I would NEVER buy myself.  That too is a gift.  My Christeen is out of the hospital after a stay in ICU ...

This Christmas eve, I am going to write a Christmas card newsletter, you know the guilty pleasure that you all love to receive in the mail because they are a fun and entertaining way to catch up. I am going to do more of a roast of The Pokrzywa/Zadel familes so here goes..... Starting at the top.... Ted and Ruth are blissfully enjoying retirement.  They have found many friends within their apartment complex where they have a monthly luncheon which I know is just an excuse for them to go and day drink.  But what can I say, when you are in your mid 70's, I think you are entitled to a little day drinking every now and then. My mom and Al are still happily living together with Chuck, the cat.  Al retired after many years as a firefighter and has had several surgeries and for the most part he is recovering from the surgeries nicely.  One of them was actually quite rough and he has one more to go.  My mom is looking forward to retiring next year.  I as...

This week I received a phone call that no one wants to receive.  One of my best friend's children had passed away in a tragic accident.  She was 24.  Sarah like me was bipolar and in someways we connected over that in years past but quite honestly, I hadn't seen her in quite a few years; only getting periodic updates on her from my friend, her mom.  Sarah like most bipolars was brilliant and wise beyond her years.  She had a gift for lighting up a room even when she didn't neccissarily feel that light coming out from within herself. In her short life, Sarah lived many lives.  She traveled, she studied new things, she made new friends but yet remained friends with ones from when she was younger.  She lived life to the fullest everyday and I hope in someways her family can find comfort in knowing that her short life was as a full as 24 years could possibly be.  She was loved as she shared her life with a special someone.  As a parent, my bigg...

Dan has been telling me for a month that I need to write a funny post and not be such a bummer.  I have had a hard time finding the funny in me because I have been lost lately so I figured that I would share the full unabridged version of my sister's wedding from my point of view. My sister had a beautiful wedding at a beautiful church outside of San Diego.  Another bridesmaid and I decided fairly early on that we were going to play a game of drunk bridesmaid and there was no way in helll that I was going to lose.  Fast forward to the reception, which was at a winery and I started drinking the minute I got there.  Dan repeatly told me to slow down but I was adament that I was going to win, I was on vacation.  And drink I did and did.  I was pretty tipsy before dinner was served where I spilled almost a whole glass of wine on myself.  I know most people would be embarrassed but not me, I was just pissed to have wasted the wine.  LOL I ate some ...

Yesterday Ella got her tonsils taken out.  The surgery went very smoothly and for that I am grateful.  She has been a rockstar patient because she is by far the strongest 11 year old that I know, emotionally and physically.  She has complained very little and  only really speaks of pain when it is time for a dose of medicine.  Additionally, she is eating anything that she can get her hands on (that is safe for the healing) and the nurses were literally shocked when they called to check on her today. So when I think about the surgery and her strength throughtout, it brings me back to the gifts that bipolar have given us.  As I have often said, bipolar is a blessing and a curse.  In this instance, it is a blessing because my daughter has learned how to power through pain with grace and dignity. (I guess I sometimes lack grace, but I always have dignity.)  I never make the bipolar a point of shame because it itsn't and I ask for the help when I ...

The bipolar is kicking my ass. Hard!  Everytime I feel like I have this all handled, life throws a curveball and this time I can't throw it back.  I am meekly rolling it away and life is throwing it harder and harder.  I have school. my billions of doctors appointments, my family and work.  I am physically and emotionally exhausted which for me are signs of depression and I am ignoring everyone of my rules to keep myself out of a depressive episode.  These rules include sleeping on a schedule, being a little vain (meaing staying on top of my grooming; I am often told I smell great and I take pride in that), and generally just keep propelling myself forward come hell or highwater.  Well I cannot seem to do that today or lately, for that matter.  I have felt like a lot of conquering my bipolar has been strength as well as a great doctor and medicine. I have been sleeping most of the day.  Sometimes up to twelve hours a day.  This is just craz...

Every cloud must have a silver lining and I think I have found mine.  For that, I am grateful.  When I was in the first hospital stay, in walked a nurse who was my middle school best friend.  My mom recognized her right away.  I had actually been looking for her on Facebook on and off for awhile but couldn't for the life of me remember her married name and I wasn't finding her under her maiden name.  So anyway, I had found her. Why is this significant you may ask?  Well, because most of my significant middle school memories are of her and her family,  They were like a second family to me.  I spent every weekend with them because her family ran a booth at Seven Mile Fair and we would sleepover often to stay with the booth.  Now this not may seem like fun to you but think of your 12 or 13 year old self and you would have to admit that it would be a blast.  On top of all this fun, I got paid to work the booth ($10 a day I think, lol). ...

I remember starting this blog at the beginning of the year saying that this this was the year that my life was going to change.  For the better, or so I thought.  It has changed but it just seems that it is getting more and more difficult.  It seems that I get diagnosis after diagnosis after diagnosis.  I got another diagnosis a couple of days ago and I just do not even know what to do with it.  I have a terminal blood disorder.  It isn't to mean that I am dying today or even soon, just that this is most likely how I will go. I sit and wonder, why me?  But why not me?  I see no reason why my life is of more value than any other life.  We are all equally special and for some reason I was given what may seem like a raw deal.  At this point, I have no choice but to look at it, be mad it, cry about it, yell about it and then accept it.  Accept that I have a greater risk of dying than most people, especially those my age. I think I acc...

The past six weeks have been quite eventful for me.  It all began on August 29th when I had my ACL reconstructed.  The next few days were ok and not overly painful but by September 5th my leg began to swell.  On September 6th, we finally went to urgent care because my calf was huge and my breathing was a little odd.  Long story short, I had a bilateral PE and a DVT which are a just nice names for deadly blood clots. I was admitted to the hospital.  September 7th was Billy's 17th birthday and I missed it, his last one at home before college and I missed it.  I spent 16 days total in and out the hospital.  It was hard. It was so hard and continues to be hard.  I worry often about the likelihood that this could be the beginning of my end.  If I am honest with myself, that really just simply pisses me off.  It makes me sad, it makes me cry.  It makes me horrifically jealous of those who have not had 5 life threatening conditions in th...

What percentage of our lives is luck, what percentage is destiny and what percentage is choice?  I think a lot about this as it applies to the bipolar because science and studies show that I was predisposed to getting this illness.  But what I wonder is, had it been caught earlier, would life had been different for me or is this my destiny?  Or is it not destiny at all, but just me makes choices and using bipolar as an excuse?  I suppose some would argue that I just have terrible luck. Here is my take.  Life is about choices, ever second of every day, a choice is in front of us.  Some of us make good choices consistently, some of us make bad choices consistently but most, like me, mix it up and make some good and some bad choices.  I think that our choices, overshadow any luck or destiny that maybe coming our way.  The choices we make, make us who we are.  Good, bad or otherwise, you choose your life so think about what you choose. My mar...

Most days it can be pretty easy to feel sorry for yourself.  Pity parties are the easiest parties to plan and attend.  Until a day like today when tragedy strikes somewhere in the world.  I think everyone feels empathy for those in Oklahoma today. As sad as I am for those in Oklahoma, I am so grateful that I have even one more day to hug my kids tight and I did just that today.  I told them that they make me proud.  I ate an ice cream cone because it was a nice day and it made Ella happy.  I told everyone who would listen Billy's ACT score.  I lived life to the fullest.  In the face of tragedy, I chose to live and live large.  I chose to be grateful.  I chose to thank God for all I have.  I chose to pray for those who lost life, property, memories or anything else.  I hope for speedy rebuilding of their homes. So next time you are planning a pity party, remember another person's tragedy and think about the fact that maybe y...

Last week marked 20 years that I have been with my husband, over half my life.  It is amazing to me that is has been that long.  No, not because it has been all candy and flowers but because we were so young when we met that the odds were against us.  I was 19 and he was 20 when we began dating.  Quite honestly, neither of us know anything about adulthood then, yet we have somehow figured it all out along the way.  It hasn't been easy and it definately hasn't been luck, just good old-fashioned hardwork, love and commitment. One reason that we have stayed married it that when one of us felt defeated, the other always did their best to lift the other one up.  We both put the other one before ourselves. It is never a competition, score is not kept.  We believe that marriage is forever and we treat our marriage as such.  If we are going to be together forever, we might as well make it good. Another reason is that we stay friends.  We l...

In six days, it will be one of my best friend's 40th birthday.  All around me, my friends are turning 40.  I will be 40 very soon, myself.  It is an interesting time in life.  You still feel young and fun but you are smart enough to know better.  You make wiser choices most of the time.  You are better able to lead by example, you are usually settled and content.  However, part of you still oddly feels like high school just happened yesterday.  I want to talk a bit about my friend who turns 40 next Wednesday.  We are newer friends but I still count her as one of the most important people in my life.  She is one of the few people who comes to the hospital when I am sick.  She even spent the night with me there when I was scared.  She held my hand and hugged me even though she is not the most touchy feely person in the world.  She was just there.  Sometimes just being there is all I need.  I like to talk A L...

April 24th is always a weird day for me, a life changing day.  Yes, I know today is the 23rd but I just may not be able to get my thoughts out clearly tomorrow, I am mental, after all.  :) Forteen years ago tomorrow ago one of my best friends got married on a beautiful day.  In a beautiful wedding.  She chose slutty bridesmaid dresses which is kind of funny because she, BY FAR, my most conservative friend.  But I digress, beautiful wedding, beautiful bride, beautiful day, beautiful love story.  A love story that is going strong to this day.  Every April 24th, is the anniversary of one of my very best friend's wedding and for that reason it is supposed to be a great day. Seven years later, to the day, the same couple gave birth to a beautiful but sick little boy.  A little boy who struggled for 11 weeks and then passed away.  Seven years later, I remember ever detail of where I was and every word said to me about his passing, not to make t...

It was recently Dan's 40th birthday and we went to St. Louis to watch the Brewers play to celebrate.  And celebrate we did.  And after the celebrating, we celebrated.  Then we stopped for a second and celebrated. Let me explain, we sat in an all-inclusive area called The Champions Club that serviced hard liquor to us inclusively for about 4 hours.  At 40 years old, that is just never good.  Why they kept serving us, I have no idea.  Maybe they felt sorry for the only Brewers fans in the club of 200+. LOL  In their defense, we are not rowdy drunks. A little more about the day of his birthday; we woke up early because we had only driven part of the the way from Milwaukee to St. Louis.  We got to our hotel in St. Louis and took the Metra Train to Busch Stadium so there would be no drinking and driving. We waited in a line of what seemed to be a 100 million people to get in because it was a give away day at Busch Stadium.  A Cardinals Fan offe...

I don't often share deep details about my feelings about being bipolar.  On many levels, it is still, all these years later, a source of shame for me.  Although, my logical self knows  that it is a chemical thing, my heart feels that if I just tried harder to be normal (whatever that is), I would succeed.  In doing so, I have allowed people to treat me badly and walk allover me.  I have allowed people to convince me that I am not allowed to have a range of emotions.  I have allowed people to make me think that I am dangerous to others, even people who don't know me debate this one.  I have had many, many people walk out of my life because I am just too hard to handle, including family members who should love me the most.   I often wonder why I let people perceive me in a way that isn't my true reality.  Somedays, it is because the crazy, erratic behavior that is associated with bipolar was my life for so long that most people who know, even...

Prom 2013 My first born son with what he describes as a "George Washington pose" on his way to the Junior Prom.   Watching your child prepare for the prom is a weird thing as a mom.  Part of you knows that they are growing up but part of you wants them to be your little boy needing you for every little thing.  The pride you  feel is mixed with the sadness you feel that you will never again see him watch Sesame Street and yell every characters name as they come on  the screen, calling Cookie Monster Bubba to this day.  He won't ask me to tie his shoes, in fact, he is probably going to have to be tying my shoes for me soon enough, lol. I am so proud that I didn't cry when he was getting ready or when I was taking pictures but I must admit, I am a little teary-eyed now.  Billy is not my baby anymore, he is much closer to an adult.  Don't worry though, they are tears of joy.  This young man, is a much better person than I will ever...

Three dead, 170+  injured.  This is a scary, scary world we live in.  What was supposed to be a day of accomplishment and crossing things off of a bucket list was anything but that for many, many people.  It is a sad day for America, even still several days later.   We don't know their pain but we as Americans can do many things to show our support.  Donate blood if you don't already.  Volunteer somewhere, anywhere.  Be kind to strangers and think before you speak.  The best way to come together as a country in the face of this tragedy and the many more that we have faced recently is to come together as a neighborhood, as a community.   Many will now say that the laws for the mentally ill will need to be stronger because only crazy people kill like this.  The reality, my friends, is that crazy and evil aren't really the same.  Were these murders crazy?  Yes, probably but they were evil, too.  So, I guess we nee...

Day 35...... I have a diagnosis.  I went to the cardiologist and I have a diagnosis.  I have coronary spasms which is a form of angina.  I will tell you what I know.  It in and of itself is not serious but the spasms can cause heart attacks if they aren't stopped once they start.  So that means, I just need to keep an eye on them and take nitroglycerin daily.  They make me so nervous because I don't really know when one will be a serious one so any spasm needs to be treated seriously.  Just another pain in my ass. On to more fun news, I went on a field trip with the Scouts to Discovery World on Friday and it was an overnight.  It was CSI themed and it was fun.  We have such a nice group of girls.  It is nice to have a small group because you really get to know them even better as time goes on.  We had to go around the museum and look for clues to solve a crime.  The crime was that someone has attempted to steal the puffer f...

One month down, eleven to go. Whew....The Year of the Pokrzywas is off to a rough start. But that is ok, we have eleven months to turn this bitch around and by George, we are going to do it. Today is not about complaining, it is a great day so far. I woke up alive (yes, as opposed to waking up dead, which I know is not a real thing), I had lunch with my friend Adrianne and Dan is making strides in his new career journey. "New career journey"??? LOL, I just think it sounds better than job hunt. More classy, more refined and I am nothing if not classy and refined. ;) Since yesterday's entry, I had a lot of conversations with Christeen about my writing and it being therapeutic for me.  She thinks I should write a book because books about crazies from the crazy person's point of view are apparently very in vogue right now. Who knew?  When I was diagnosed 11 years ago (yesterday or today in fact) I never thought that this horrific disease would be anything but a big pa...

Day 30..... Well hell, it has been quite a rough few weeks.  The previous sentence may even be an understatement but I am working on bettering myself this year and continuing to be grateful for what I have.  Today, I am grateful to be alive. I know cliche, right?  But after the last few weeks, I take nothing for granted. Saturday, January 19, I woke up with a headache.  I went to bed with a headache.  In fact, this was day 7 of the headache.  This morning I woke up with a headache, numbness, dizziness and overall unwell feeling.  I had decided on Friday night that if I wasn't better by Saturday morning that a hospital visit was in order.  I got up showered, packed toiletries (always my good luck charm for preventing an admission) and took the bus to the hospital.  I got there early and was immediately admitted for a stroke workup.(The damn toiletries failed me.) The week became a blur of tests and medicines.  I did not have a stro...

On some days, I wonder what I am going to be when I grow up; well besides crazy and sickly. Crazy and sickly suck, LOL.  Today is one of those days. I am going to look back at all the things that I wanted to be and maybe we can find a career most suited to me now. I started out wanting to be a pumpist; you know, the person who pumps well water.  Yes, I know that this isn't a really job but give me a break.  I was eight years old and loving life at Girl Scout camp.  When I look back now, I imagine a simple like in my shack in the country and the most buff arms from carrying the water every where it needed to go.  On second thought, maybe I am not exactly cut out to be a pumpist. I didn't have new career aspirations until much later when I wanted to be a police officer.  This was during the Cagney & Lacey era on TV.  It looked exciting and fun.  I would run everywhere yelling, "Stop, police".  How great would that be?  Well, probab...

Shortly after midnight on January 1, 2013, I declared this The Year of the Pokrzywas and I thought it might be fun to keep a journal of the steps forward and the steps back so at the end of 2013 we will know if it was really our year.    A little background info on us.  The Pokrzywas consist of Dan, Lisa (me), Billy, age 16, James, age 14, Ella, age 10, and, of course, our dog, Benji.  Needless to say 2012 was NOT our year; far from it.  It was just plain bad.  It started out okay, we were living in Gainesville, Florida in a nice neighborhood but we were far from our family in Wisconsin. The good lasted until February when the transmission in our only car decided that it no longer wanted to work.  It was a struggle everyday to do basic things as  there was no busing in our area.  It was especially hard to get Dan to work.  Well once April rolled around, this was no longer a concern because Dan lost his job.  To recap, we liv...